Grumpy Old Man

A is for AFAIK: As Far As I Know. What follows is invariably false.

B is for BSOD: Blue Screen Of Death. Common on Windows systems. Those who have “upgraded” to Windows 7 may now enjoy a Beige Screen of Death. I understand that Microsoft have trademarked “Burgundy Screen of Death”, “Buff Screen of Death” and “Brown Screen of Death” to cater for future releases.

C is for Crapplet: A badly-written, buggy computer application, like MS Office.

D is for DFTT: Don’t Feed The Trolls. A “troll” is anyone who disagrees with you in any internet forum; if you can’t think of a logical response to an argument, you just label the other person a “troll”.

E is for EOL: End Of Life. In non-Netese this condition is known as “death”.

F is for FUD: Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt. This refers to the deliberate spread of misinformation with a view to achieving some nefarious purpose. An example is Microsoft making vague threats of impending patent litigation against Linux businesses with the aim of dissuading people from using open source software. Uncertainty and doubt are tautological—one of them is redundant.

G is for Godwin’s Law: States that eventually, in any online discussion, someone will compare whatever is being discussed to Hitler or the Nazis. Once that happens the discussion is effectively at an end—no further useful contributions will be made.

H is for HAND: Have A Nice Day. Just as banal and meaningless on the internet as it is in real life.

I is for IANAL: This does not indicate a preference for some perverse sexual activity, it means I Am Not A Lawyer. Always followed by legal advice that is totally wrong and in some cases dangerous, such as: “IANAL but AFAIK(cf) if you plead guilty they can’t give you the death penalty.” Variations exist such as IANAD (I am not a doctor), IANACP (I am not a concert pianist) and so on.

J is for JAHOYFT: Just Ask Her Out, You Fucking Tool. What could possibly go wrong?

K is for KOTL: Kiss On The Lips. What it says, sometimes enlivened as KOTL(WT) (Kiss On The Lips (With Tongue)).

L is for LOL: Laugh Out Loud. Used by bores who enjoy laughing at their own jokes, or wish to inform their readers that their sense of humour is so deficient that they find something that is profoundly unfunny funny. Variations include ROTFLMAO (rolling on the floor laughing my arse off) and suchlike. Do not put LOL at the end of a tender epistle under the misapprehension that it means Lots Of Love—you will surely ruin the mood.

M is for MUSH: Multi-User Shared Hallucination. Netese for the phenomenon known for thousands of years as religion.

N is for NSFW: Not Safe for Work. Usually accompanies email attachments that are pornographic or otherwise iffy and that you would not want your boss to see. Or, to be more accurate, you wouldn’t want your boss to see you seeing.

O is for OMG: Oh My God. Used by those experiencing MUSH (cf).

P is for PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair. A way of saying a problem is caused by user error without causing offense to the user. It assumes the user is too ignorant to know what the acronym means, which really causes offence if he does.

Q is for QFA: Quoted for Accuracy. Why?

R is for RTFM: Read the Fucking Manual. Aimed at those annoying individuals who are too lazy to figure anything out for themselves, but will expect others to go out of their way to give assistance. Yes, I’m talking about you; you know who you are.

S is for SWIM: Someone Who Isn’t Me. A short, snappy way of saying someone else.

T is for TANSTAAFL: There Aint No Such Thing As A Free Lunch. There is, you know. You just have to know where to look and hone those mooching skills.

U is for UTFSE: Use The Fucking Search Engine. This comes into its own when you have told someone to RTFM (cf) and they tell you that the answer they want isn’t in TFM, then you tell them to UTFSE, Which is when they bleat that how to use the search engine was their original question, at which point you pack your bags and leave town.

V is for VEG: Very Evil Grin. Stay away from people who perpetrate this.

W is for WUBU2: What Have You Been Up To. Almost invariably used in conjunction with a VEG (cf). The correct response to this piece of impertinence is STFU & MYOB.

X is for XIT: Exit, used by people too lazy to type the letter “E”.

Y is for YTMND: You’re The Man Now, Dog. What you say to your dog when you want him to start paying the mortgage, mowing the lawn and so on. His response is invariably to ROTFLHAO.

Z is for ZOMG: An extreme form of OMG (cf) used by Moonies, Scientologists, Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, Jews and other assorted nutcases.

Grumpy Old Man by Mark Widdicombe is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 License.