Canine Acupuncture

November 28, 2011

Alice had it good. Her Wonderland was sane and predictable compared to the surreal, bizarre world we occupy. Here is the latest manifestation of lunacy and horror to fill the columns of our newspapers.

To the East of Cape Town is a sprawling township called Khayelitsha. Its residents are poor. They live mostly in shacks made out of odd pieces of corrugated iron, cardboard, and timber scavenged from who knows where. They come from the impoverished rural areas to the east, and also from countries to the north: Congo, Mozambique, Ghana, Nigeria. All have come in the hope of achieving a better life for themselves and their families. Like humans everywhere they love their pet animals, but often cannot afford to have them neutered or spayed, so there are a lot of stray animals in Khayelitsha.
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Thirsty Work

November 22, 2011

When I first saw the headline “EU bans claim that water can prevent dehydration” I did one of those eye-bulging, cartoonish double takes. Surely I had misread? Or misunderstood? I checked the date: nope, not April the 1st. Surely no one sane could claim that water doesn’t prevent dehydration? After all, that’s the very definition of ‘dehydration’. From Oxford online dictionary

dehydrate
Pronunciation:/diːhʌɪˈdreɪt, diːˈhʌɪdreɪt/
verb
[with object] (often as adjective dehydrated)
cause (a person or their body) to lose a large amount of water:
his body temperature was high and he had become dehydrated
[no object] lose a large amount of water from the body:
the nurses made sure I didn’t dehydrate
remove water from (food) in order to preserve and store it:
dehydrated mashed potatoes


I was not the only one smacked in the gob by the apparent lunacy of the EU. Here’s what MEP Roger Helmer had to say:

This is stupidity writ large. The Euro is burning, the EU is falling apart and yet here they are worrying about the obvious qualities of water. If ever there were an episode which demonstrates the folly of the great European project, then this is it.

Then I thought for a little longer. Read the rest of this entry »


Loose Scrum

November 17, 2011

There’s a brouhaha going on in Cape Town at the moment over the venue for a game of rugby between an English club, Saracens, and the French club Biarritz. Saracens, who are organising the game, have decided that they would like it to be held at the Cape Town stadium. The City are happy with that, as are Biarritz, as are the fans. The Western Province Rugby Union, however, are not happy because they want the match played at their own stadium, Newlands.

Cape Town Stadium By Night

This is where my understanding breaks down. Let’s try an analogy. you and your girlfriend or boyfriend have decided to go on a date to a certain restaurant. A third party, who just happens to be dating someone else and who also owns a restaurant cries foul, and tries to insist that you go to his restaurant. I know what I’d do if that occurred. I’d want to know who rattled the third party’s chain, and what the hell has our night out got to do with him?
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A Mountainous Scam

November 11, 2011

Hey, I’ve got this wonderful idea to make a lot of money. It goes like this: I’m going to get people to vote by premium SMS for, oh, anything really. What about for the “prettiest city”, or “most fashionable football strip”? No, let’s make it “the new 7 wonders of the world”. Almost everyone thinks their country contains something pretty wonderful, so lots of people will vote. And we can let them vote as many times as they like, so we get more money. Oh, alright then, we’ll set up a website and let them vote there, too, but we’ll still make money on clickthroughs.

Table Mountain


We could also sell broadcast rights to the final awards ceremony where we’ll hand over the cheesy certificates to the winners, and we can charge the winners to use our logo on their advertising materials. And when the whole thing is over, we start again with a new competition. We could even register ourselves as a non-profit organization to make everything look above board; we don’t make a profit, we just pay ourselves mountainous salaries and investment bankeresque bonuses at the end of the day.
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More Prostate Palaver

November 3, 2011

Health is important. In fact, it’s a matter of life and death. It should–if you value your life at all–be of the gravest concern, yet there are those who spend more time selecting their brand of toothpaste than the providers of their health services. When my doctor prescribes medication for me I head to the internet to find out as much as I possibly can about it–side-effects, interactions and so on that may have a bearing on my particular circumstances and that my doctor may have missed–before I take it. But a lot of people will take anything recommended by some quack or other without devoting a single particle of thought to it. They see something like the following and rush out in their ovine flocks to enrich the person who penned the following:

Don’t let your prostate problems get the better of you…
Reclaim your sexual freedom
and endurance…
And I PROMISE
your wife will be begging for more!
Dear Friend,
Your doctor says it’s inevitable….

It’s the awkward part of getting older.

Your sexual vigour and desire drops… Your hair turns grey… Wrinkles form… Your eyes get weaker…

Your bones get brittle.

That’s just how it is, right?

Wrong!!!

Remember when you first met your wife?

When you simply could not keep your hands off each other. Every flat surface was an invitation you couldn’t resist and you had enough stamina for days.

Your wife might’ve had a lot to complain about at the time but it certainly wasn’t in that department… Do you remember how that felt?

The truth is that sex is an awesome, exciting, exhilarating and fun part of life. And as men it’s a big part of our identity.

And we’re supposed to just give that up? Who made these rules anyway???

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