Words

August 21, 2009

There is a phenomenon known as sensitisation whereby a person who has previously had no problem with, say, eating shellfish suddenly experiences a severe allergic reaction to it. The same thing is happening to me, but with a word rather than anything I eat. The word is “massive”. I hear it all the time, almost always used inappropriately. Listening to radio news this morning, I learned how a former senior politician had suffered a massive heart attack, there are massive fires putting residences at risk, there is massive relief now that the massive transport strike is over. Between the news and the weather came a commercial for Cape Union Mart where, apparently, massive savings are to be had, then we were informed of a massive cold front due to make landfall tomorrow. Is this a “fad” word that has just come into vogue and is being flogged to death, or has it always been so misused and I have only recently started to notice it? I have news for any media person who reads this: massive does not mean big. Look it up.

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Caster Semenya winning the 800m Gold Medal in Berlin

Caster Semenya winning the 800m Gold Medal in Berlin

The controversy over poor Caster Semenya’s sex has shone the spotlight on an elephant (well, perhaps not an elephant, but at least a medium-sized rhino) in the room. Caster is an eighteen year old South African athlete who won the world championship gold medal for the womens 800m yesterday. She has a deep voice, some facial hair and a well-developed musculature, so she is being accused of not being a proper woman by some, others baldly state that she is a man. This, of course, is nonsense. The fact of the matter is that the media confuse sex and gender. What is at issue here is Caster’s sex, not her gender. She may exhibit some masculine attributes, but her sex is female and she is therefore eligible to compete as a woman. Take a look at the accompanying photo. I, for one, would not like to meet any of these women in a dark alley, but that does not alter the fact that they are, nonetheless, women. Caster’s mom, Dorkus, is even more masculine than her daughter; in fact she makes Arnold Schwartzenegger look slightly pansyish. Sex is a binary variable, either male or female, gender is more a continuum, a mixture of masculine and feminine attributes. The media confuse these two things because they are so coy they blush to their roots even to think about sex, much less say the actual word.

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Talking about binary variables: either something is unique (one of a kind) or it isn’t. Please, please stop saying that so-and-so is “very unique”, it makes no sense because it is nonsense. Have you ever heard of anyone being “slightly dead”?

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Grumpy Old Man by Mark Widdicombe is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 License.


Friday Shorts

August 7, 2009
Miss Scarborough

Miss Scarborough

Thanks Richard Gebhardt for this, it made my day.

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I’m writing this at 0300. My reason for being up at this preposterous hour is that I’m too excited to sleep. This afternoon I’m going home to spend the long weekend with my beloved Scallywag and the Doofball who will probably bite me for abandoning him so cruelly.

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Yesterday was the anniversary of the dropping of the first atom bomb on Japan. I’ve been having a lively debate with my sandal wearing, organic muesli eating, herbal cigarette smoking, free-range egg throwing friends who think that it was just horrid of the nasty Americans to do such a thing to the peace-loving, chrysanthemum-growing Japanese. My argument is that the Americans didn’t do it—the Japanese did it to themselves. When the first bomb fell on Pearl Harbour, Japan’s annihilation as a military power was assured.

The merest glance at a high school history textbook will leave a reader of the slightest discernment with one very important lesson: don’t wage war against white men. This is a lesson learned the hard way over the millennia by assorted native tribes of Africa, Asia and the Americas. You see, we don’t have a tradition of ritualistic warfare in which a battle is fought, the defeated cedes to the victor some token, and everyone goes happily home. Our wars must continue until the defeated is unable to wage further war. The Japanese failed to understand this. They thought that their destruction of much of the US Pacific fleet at Pearl Harbour, together with victory over the remainder of the US carrier fleet at Midway would the force the Americans to the negotiating table and allow the Japanese free reign in the Western Pacific. Things didn’t quite work out that way at Midway, where it was the Japanese who lost the Kaga, Akagi, Hiryu and Soryu. But what if it had been the Yorktown, Hornet and Enterprise that had gone to the bottom instead?

It wouldn’t have made a blind bit of difference. America had the resources to replace them with not three but thirty new carriers. So when the allied forces had systematically cleansed the Western Pacific of Japanese forces, why didn’t they reach a negotiated peace with Japan instead of preparing to invade their home islands? We’ve said it already: it isn’t in the European tradition to treat until one side is utterly defeated—Japan had to be destroyed as a military power. Invading the Japanese home islands could only be achieved at a horrific cost in allied lives; even Japanese schoolgirls (girl-child learners for SA readers) were trained to defend their emperor with wooden spears. Fortunately for the allies, a way to avoid invasion was at hand.

The Manhattan Project was not set up with Japan in mind. It was conceived as a counter to the very real threat of Nazi Germany developing nuclear weapons. With scientists like Heisenberg and von Braun, the Nazis had the expertise to develop and deliver an atom bomb. But by August 1945 Germany was already defeated, Berlin a smouldering pile of rubble. The choice faced by the allies was a simple one: invade Japan at the cost of hundreds of thousands allied lives, or force the Japanese into unconditional surrender by dropping atom bombs on their cities. They made the decision to use the bomb. It is my contention that not only was that the correct choice, it was the only possible choice in the circumstances.

But I’m running out of battery; here endeth the history lesson.

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Dinner Party

July 24, 2009

All insomniacs have strategies for trying to fall asleep when they cannot. Counting sheep might work for some, but I don’t have any in my bedroom, so I play other mind games instead. Last night I was trying to compose the guest list for the ideal dinner party.

There is some debate as to what the ideal number of guests should be. Four are clearly too few; you need a sufficient variety of opinion to make for spirited conversation. Ten is too many—the party breaks up into sub-parties all following different agendas. So it must be six or eight. Why the necessity for an even number? If the sexes are evenly divided, there develops a sexual frisson which enlivens the party, and nobody feels left out. So lets settle on eight.

Who should they be? I won’t be attending my own party except in the capacity of a fly on the wall, listening, so we need to fill eight seats. Oh, I forgot to mention that the guests don’t actually have to be alive; you are allowed to pick anyone who has ever lived, and they will appear at the party in the pink of health. Here is the list I came up with last night:

1. Richard Feynman. Originator of the theory of quantum electrodynamics and winner of the Nobel prize for Physics. But he isn’t coming to discuss physics– this was a man of many parts, he played the marimba (I think) in a Brazilian marching band; wrote a percussion ballet which was performed in New York, Richard Feynman taking part anonymously; wrote the wryly humerous series of autobiographical essays What do you care what other people think; worked at Los Alamos as part of the Manhattan Project; served on the Commission of Enquiry into the Challenger disaster, where he was the one to figure out what had gone wrong. He’s also a teetotaller so I must remember to lay in a case of coke.

2. Bertrand Russell. Philosopher. It was his thought experiment on the provability or otherwise of a hypothetical teapot orbiting between Mars and Jupiter that finally convinced me that religion is bunk. But I want him to come because he said this in Analysis of Mind:

We desire many things which it is not in our power to achieve: that we should be universally popular and admired, that our work should be the wonder of the age, and that the universe should be so ordered as to bring ultimate happiness to all, though not to our enemies until they have repented and been purified by suffering.

 3. Margaret Thatcher. Any woman who can rise from being a humble grocer’s daughter to the highest position the land is evidently an extraordinary person, especially taking account of the paternalistic times in which she did it. Having lived in England during her reign (any other word is far too weak), I developed an enormous respect for her. At our party she certainly wouldn’t mince her words and her presence would keep the others honest.

4. Richard Dawkins. Biologist and thoroughly civilised human being. The Blind Watchmaker and The Selfish Gene have to be the definitive works on evolution for non-specialist readers. His reverence and love for life shines through his works and I would love to hear how he interacts with our other guests.

I don’t know who numbers five through eight will be—I fell asleep. Perhaps I’ll think of them tonight. Who would you invite?

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Grumpy Old Man by Mark Widdicombe is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 License.


Space Plumbing

July 22, 2009

 

 Space station toilet breaks down

The main toilet has broken down on the International Space Station (ISS), currently home to a record 13 astronauts, Nasa said.

BBC News 20 July 2009

 

ISS:  Houston, we have a problem.

CAPCOM:  What now, ISS?  We have problems down here too, you know.  The espresso machine is screwed again, for the second time this week.

ISS:  I sympathise, really I do, but this problem is serious.  It’s kinda delicate, I don’t know how to say this, you know, gracefully, but we have experienced malfunction of our Human Waste Processing and Disposal Facility.

CAPCOM:  Oh, God.  Not the HWPDF again.  Have the Russians been using it?  Last time they put something disgusting in and we had to get a plumber up.  The callout charge put paid to half our budget.  What’s happening?

ISS:  Well, um, nothing goes down.  It just sits there, hovering.  If you don’t close the lid real fast it floats right on up out.

CAPCOM:  Stand by, ISS, we’ll get someone on it.

[Later]

CAPCOM:  Come in ISS.  Do you copy?

ISS:  (Sound of coughing) Roger, Houston, loud and clear.  The smell’s getting kinda bad.  Any news?

CAPCOM:  Plumbing wants to know if the fan’s working.

ISS:  What fan?

CAPCOM:  The one inside the toilet that sucks the stuff down into the pipe.

ISS:  How does that work?  Wouldn’t the shit hit the fan?

CAPCOM:  Of course the shit hits the fan.  (Sigh).  It’s supposed to.  The fan pulls it into the pipe and chops it up.  You haven’t got any gravity there where you are, you know.

ISS:  Ok, I understand.  How do I find out if the fan’s working?

CAPCOM:  You stick your head into the toilet and see if you can hear it.  Its supposed to make a sort of whirring noise.  If you can hear it it means the strum box is blocked.  If it’s that, you have to stick your hand in and clear it manually.

ISS:  Roger wilco.  IVAN!  Little job for you.  Go stick your head in the toilet and see if you can hear anything.  CAPCOM, what happens to the shit after it’s been chopped up?

CAPCOM:  That’s classified.  But, since it’s your last trip and you’re a buddy I’ll tell you.  A machine  adds some chemicals, presses it into casings and you guys recycle it.

ISS:  What do you mean we recycle it?

CAPCOM:  You know, first thing in the morning, before work.

ISS:  What?  No! Not…not the sausages!

CAPCOM:  Have a nice day.  Over and out.

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Grumpy Old Man by Mark Widdicombe is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 South Africa License.